I don’t think I am going too far out on a limb by saying the art of manners in martial arts, and in life, could use a little improvement. When I started strengthening my public profile in social media, and connecting with larger groups of martial artists, I was sad to witness the lack of diplomacy and manners. I had no idea there was contention between practitioners, arguments about  whose opinion is right, or battles about what style is best. Suddenly, martial artists lacked the very attributes of enthusiasm, encouragement, and bonding, that I expected and hoped to find.

It is not everyone, not even close, but there are enough bad manners out there to overshadow all the good manners, and that is unfortunate. One bad apple can infiltrate a large audience, and everyone gets pulled in to the negativity.

Why are there so many bad manners? Well, martial artists are part of a larger group, called human beings. Human beings tend to divert to negative emotions and thoughts, and human nature is not  easily changed. The single concept that I believe is lacking, in order to change these bad manners, is a focus on self-improvement, and less worry about what other people are doing. There would be fewer fakes, liars, and people with bad manners, because everyone would be busy improving their own posture and alignment, in a positive way.

I receive texts all the time from martial artists, warning me about other martial artists. Who do I believe? Everyone has a story, but how do I know who is right? Do I really want to be notified, or shouldn’t I figure this out on my own, and make my own decisions? Is it in my interest that they contact me, or for their own purpose? I choose to make my own decisions about others based on my relationship with them, not on what people say.

When I first started a job years ago, I walked in the office on the first day. One of the staff asked me for whom I was going to be working. When I told her, she crinkled her nose and said, “Oh, he always yells at his staff…” and walked away. As I waited for him to come to get me and bring me to my office on that first day, I kept asking myself over and over, “What have I done? My last job was not that bad. Now I’m going to be working for someone who is mean.”

I had no choice, it was my first day. I put on my professional smile and stepped through to the unknown. I found that all he needed was respect, and an employee who really cared about her work product and what she was doing. He never yelled once, and in time we became very good friends. I never even understood what that woman meant. Perhaps she was disgruntled. Maybe she applied for the job and didn’t get it. He may have finally found the right employee and never thought about raising his voice. There was mutual respect.

If I had listened too closely to the staff member who shared the bad news, my whole outlook and perspective could have changed. My excitement could have fizzled into believing I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Instead, I allowed myself the opportunity to make my own decision about my boss, and I’m glad I did.

Make your own decisions in life, and in social media. Recently, a young martial artist posted a comment on social media about a topic I did not fully understand. It sounded like an interesting discussion. His intentions were good. He was trying to explain how men and women have different physiological characteristics that dictate how they need to train. I had no problem with the post, or the topic. It was the tone that surprised me. I responded with a few small counters, that women have better breath control, and a higher pain threshold, which he immediately challenged. It’s possible my comment had no merit in the category, since I was still trying to figure out exactly what his original post really meant.

What baffled me was not his topic, but his manners.  There was no “Hey, thanks for your opinion,” or “I’m glad you chimed in.” No, it was a cut to the chase to make sure his point was known and that I was indeed, wrong. He’s not a bad apple, or a bad guy. He’s an intelligent martial artist with good opinions and research to back what he says. What turned me away was his lack of manners.

I cannot clump every martial artist, or person, into the bad manners category. There are enough, though, whose manners could use a little updating. How can you keep your manners in check?  Here are a few ways to conquer Andrea’s online manner’s meter:

1. If you are going to rebut or critically respond to a post, thank the person who posted it, first. A simple, “I’m glad you posted this. I have a few opinions of my own I’d like to share.” Then, feel free to state your opinion.
2. Stay away from discrediting others in public. If you have an issue with someone, contact him directly to work it out; or block him and don’t deal with him ever again. At least you have not made a scene on social media.
3. Unless someone’s life is in danger, there is no need to contact them to tell them to beware of someone else, unless that other person’s behavior is illegal or threatening. Truth be told, I contacted a few women to beware of someone who had a history of being threatening to women. This is warranted.
4. Even if you believe your style is the best in the world, do not bash or demean any other style. Yes, some are better than others, but students have different reasons for learning. Not everyone wants to learn a traditional style, or a grappling style. Respect other martial artists, and you’ll have no issues with manners here.
5. Think before you post your social media message. Read it over a couple of times. If it is a derogatory message, keep it to yourself. You may want to vent, but I don’t want to read it. Check your tone. Are you asking a question or just complaining? Do you really care if someone responds?

Manners are a dying art in life, and in martial arts. It is unfortunate that we have forgotten how to support and encourage each other. Usually, I do not focus on a negative message, but there is no denying that our world needs a little cleaning up in the manners department. Let’s not overlook the lesson, here. You can devote as much time, effort, and resource, to building others up, as you can being negative or judgmental toward them.

Your challenge today is to choose one person to encourage. Drop a compliment. Send a happy note. Tag them in a message about how they are a positive influence in your life. If you give it a little thought, you will likely come up with a long list of great people, who deserve a thank-you, or an appreciative word. Don’t delay. Do this now, because if you don’t, you will forget how important it is to have good character… and good manners.

Andrea

My book, “The Martial Arts Woman” is in edits now.

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