I’m not sure how to tell you this.

There is nothing in this entire world that can make you happy.  There is no person who can make you happy, either, not a spouse, lover, friend, father, mother, child, co-worker, minister, or acquaintance.

Happiness doesn’t just happen.  That is like a martial art student believing that a  black belt will just fall from the sky.  Neither a black belt nor happiness will ever be that easy and both require a lot of practice.  Sometimes you will get it perfectly right, but not all the time.  The more times you get it right, though, the faster you advance through the ranks.

My trek toward black belt took years.   The first year I remained a yellow belt the entire year because I was working on the weekends when the tests took place.  It was frustrating, but I continued to attend classes knowing that technically I was a higher level than the yellow belt strapped around my waist.  I had a lot of potential building inside of me, the same way you have untapped happiness dwelling  inside of you.  At some point, your potential and your happiness need to be mastered.

I have to work on strengthening myself physically every day. I might practice a choreographed set of martial arts moves or rehearse kick after kick.  I may engage in weight and strength training, a Latin dance class, or some aerobics. I always participate in the martial art classes that I teach.  It does not have to be just martial arts that I practice in order to get better in the martial arts.  As long as the practice helps me increase my flexibility, strength and stamina, then I am becoming a better martial artist.

Happiness is no different.  You have to pick and choose from life’s vast array of people and circumstances in order to get better at happiness.  Cars, houses, material things, the sun, the moon, the stars, your favorite ice cream, and even an amazing friend cannot give you the one thing that you want more than anything:  happiness.  The lesson that I have learned is that happiness is first and foremost a choice, and secondly, must be summoned from within.  Like any goal or achievement you wish to pursue, you must commit to your pursuit of happiness.  If you commit to a relationship, an education, a role as a caregiver, or to being a good employee, you can make the choice to commit to this.  Here’s how:

1. Positive Reinforcement

Earning a black belt takes positive reinforcement.  Being happy requires the same. You must wake up in the morning with a positive thought already in mind like “today will be a great day.” By verbalizing a message, you are making a proclamation that will sit in the back of your mind.  The more you say it, the more it settles.  You can go a step further and write down a few proclamations that are positive and meaningful to you. Read them before bed until you begin to think them without having to read them.

Amartial artist who proclaims that he wants to achieve a black belt, win a match, be the best student in class, or write a successful martial arts article, will advance past others who are waiting to just be handed something for nothing.  In the same way that a black belt is earned, happiness is learned.

2.  Negate Negativity

Happiness cannot exist, even if you have proclamations, if you are unable to filter negativity. Other people can foster a negative atmosphere.  Their bad vibes get rubbed off on you.  You must surround yourself with positive people if you want to ward off the negativity.  Believe me, I know how difficult it is to avoid negative people.   One thing that worked for me was to edit my my social media sites by deleting the contacts or connections who constantly posted negative, malicious, or victim type comments.  It’s not that I don’t care or don’t have compassion, but I must fight each and every minute for my own happiness.  If I fall into the negativity trap and start to question my own happiness, I have to start over.

While you have the ability to eliminate your contacts on social media, real life doesn’t quite work that way.  You can’t eliminate real people in your life, but you can redirect them into better, more positive conversations by taking their difficulties and finding something good to say.  “It will all work out.” or “you are on the right path.” or “things will fall into place. ” Those words may seem a little generic, but they can offer the beginning of a positive change and a positive direction for that person.  Your maneuvering of their attitude may help them overcome some of their negativity and improve their reactions and thoughts.

In karate class, a few positive words go a long way.  It is the difference between believing in yourself and not wanting to try.

3. Do What You Enjoy

I enjoy teaching martial arts.  There is nothing like the look on a student’s face when he suddenly figures out the correct way to perform a skill.  There is nothing as inspirational as watching a student test for a new belt and display his very best effort.  There is nothing as fun as a preschool aged student who proclaims that even though I’m a little old, I still look like a karate “master.” It makes me smile.  If I could just bottle that happiness, I’d never have to look for it again.  It’s not necessarily the person or the place that brings me the joy, it’s the feeling I get from the experience.

Pick a moment in time when you were at the peak of happiness.  Think about experiences that still mean something to you today, like the day you got accepted to the college you always dreamed of attending; the time when you played a musical instrument and the song flowed without hesitation; or the day you brought your first child into the world.  What
was so magical about those moments that they brought you happiness from deep within? Was it accomplishment?  Pride?  Contribution? Belief?  Whatever it was, you must summon it again so you can learn from it.

4. Learn a Martial Art

Your mental well-being has a lot to do with your happiness, but there is also a physical component.  I know that you’ve heard about a “euphoric” feeling or “runners high” that some get after a hard work out, running a race, or after an hour of good martial arts training.  It’s true that something happens when you push yourself physically. In martial arts class there is a lot of physical exertion that takes place.  First the stretching, then skills training, sprints or cardiovascular work, partner drills, then maybe some sparring.  That’s a lot to pack into an hour!  You breathe hard, you sweat, you push yourself and you feel great when you are done.

Why don’t you pick up the pace?  You will see first hand what that great feeling is all about.  The better you feel, the more likely happiness will infiltrate your life.

The Good News

There are many negative things on which I can focus, like never getting everything done I want to accomplish, or never getting enough sleep.  The bottom line is that overall, what I do makes me happy, even though there are some difficulties that go along with it.  Happiness does not come naturally.  You have to practice it and at times you will still mess up.  If you don’t make a conscious decision to seek happiness, you can easily drown in unhappiness.

Don’t look outside yourself hoping other people or other things will bring you joy. You must balance your inner and outer worlds, personal thoughts and feelings with a positive environment.  Don’t jump on the negativity train, but instead stay steadfast by doing what you enjoy, proclaiming your greatness, and proving that happiness is the right thing for you. Practice, practice, practice.

Now that you know the bad news (no one/nothing else can ever make you happy), here is the good news:  You deserve happiness.

Andrea

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The Martial Arts Woman book is now available. Purchase through my e-commerce store: http://themartialartswoman.storenvy.com. or on Amazon:  https://goo.gl/5gMzT6

This book shares the stories and insights of more than twenty-five women in the martial arts, and how they apply martial arts to their lives.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Andrea F. Harkins is a writer, motivator, life coach, martial artist, and public speaker. She was inducted into the USA Martial Arts Hall of Fame in July, 2017. Her book, The Martial Arts Woman, is now available at themartialartswoman.storenvy.com.