Ladies, you are all amazing! You are respectful, kind, and courteous. You are loving, caring, and helpful. You jump in when help is needed, take care of the children, and pick up the loose ends. You believe in your role, young woman, wife, mother, professional, whatever it may be and you always try your best. You want your children to grow up understanding sacrifice and success. You are not rude just to be rude, you are careful of what you say and you take care of others. I bet you have forgotten how special you are.
When it comes to defense, though, all of that is out the window. When it comes to life and death, or a moment when you must defend yourself, kind and courteous cannot be the words that describe you. It is so difficult to change who you are. You want to believe that others are as nice as you, but somewhere in the mix will be a difficult person.
Personally, I struggle when I have to deal with someone who is not being rational. I’m not the kind of woman who can turn away because I like to “help.” I have instant compassion and wonder “what has happened to this person to make them this way?” Even with martial arts training, I want to be trusting of others. I know, however, that there are times when I must suppress my compassion and desire to help. I must consider safety first. That might require me to change my demeanor at a moment’s notice. I’m often described by others as “nice” and that’s just the way I like to be known; however, if my life is in danger there can be no “nice” me anymore and that takes some practice. It affects my facial expressions, my body language, and my mindset, immediately. The photo of me proves a point. Even a nice person like me can find the warrior within.
This very simple line of defense, being confident as you are out and about, can deter a stranger who is behaving in an aggressive manner. They do not want someone who is going to make a lot of noise or who will fight back. You must practice how to change your “nice” demeanor into something that says “I’m not an easy target.” Your look and your eye contact can possibly deter this assailant. I don’t particularly like looking this way, but I know that deep inside it’s the only way to begin my line of defense if I feel threatened. So, it’s worth it to practice the quick transition from nice to fight.
In self-defense class, it is not uncommon for the ladies to laugh or giggle because it is uncomfortable to eliminate all that they know about being the right kind of woman, to being a woman who is going to fight tooth and nail to survive. Techniques are easier to learn and discussion is easy to share, but finding an immediate expression of undying power and confidence in a moment’s notice, is not.
Today, I want you to look in the mirror for just a moment and make sure you see the warrior; the woman who is going to look a possible attacker in the eye when he is walking by; the woman who is going to initiate a deep and treacherous defense if she must; the woman who has a family she loves and friendships and who is not willing to lose any of that. Look at that woman warrior and remind her that she exists. Think about those you love, your dreams and ambitions, and what your life means to others. Think about the difference you make in the world each and every day and the roles you play that exemplify the goodness of womanhood.
I’m not trying to scare you; rather, I’m trying to prepare you. In my 52 years, I’ve not yet been attacked and my goal is to keep it that way for the rest of my life. I can’t be sure, though. I can’t predict that I will never be a victim. I’m going to use awareness as much as possible and a warrior behavior when I need it. Physically fighting back is another story…well, another blog post.
I suggest you find a Self-defense class and take it. There are many different ones from which to choose, with differing variables. Some are taught by women, or by men, or by both; some you listen and learn and try some hands on techniques; some you learn how to beat up a big burly guy who is wearing a padded suit.
Find one. Learn.
For now? Your first assignment is to make sure you know how to look like you mean it.
Andrea
Hi Andrea,
It’s great to see your passion and determination in the above post.
Two things struck me though, which I’d like to discuss.
Firstly, your comment, “Personally, I struggle when I have to deal with someone who is not being rational”. You may not struggle as much if you understand that ‘rational’ thought is not an objective standard. In fact it is a specific type or method of thought which may or may not be embraced. Even when it is embraced it rarely produces the same conclusions amongst different people. I suggest empathy along with an open mind when dealing with ‘irrational’ people.
Secondly, whilst I admire your desire to ready yourself for potential threats I think your comment, “the woman who is going to look a possible attacker in the eye when he [or she or it]is walking by” is problematic for several reasons.
You assume that a potential attacker will be a man. I’m sure that, say a female MMA exponent pumped up with steroids or perhaps pinning on methyl amphetamine would present a danger.
What about a pig dog on the loose? I ask this because I sometimes think that women live in a different world to men when I hear comments about looking a potential attacker in the eye. Whilst a good stare can be effective against both man/woman or beast, when used against a ‘possible’ attacker it can have the opposite effect. By that I mean that staring people, and yes men in particular, in the eye will be read as a form of provocation and if employed on an aggressive sociopath (they’re the ones to worry about)it will very likely elicit an attack of some sort. I’m not advocating submission or ‘niceness’; the best thing to do is to appear neutral (neither overly passive or aggressive) but aware through peripheral vision. Save the stare for when he/she/it has progressed beyond a potential attacker to a likely attacker. Better still cross the street or walk the other way when you sense a ‘possible’ attacker. This is not just for women either, we are all connected and you will very likely create what you fear by staring ‘possible’ attackers in the eye. Ask a dog catcher whether she looks a vicious dog in the eye to deter it from attacking – it can work but if it doesn’t you will be attacked. Ask an inmate of a high security prison if he stares ‘potential’ attackers in the eye. A copper will stare a potential attacker in the eye, but then they have guns, tasers, batons, pepper spray, handcuffs and radios to connect them other coppers with fast cars, armoured vehicles, choppers, tactical police and god knows what.
It might make you feel safe to do it as ‘possible’ but unlikely threats pass by and you create a sense of safety as they appear intimidated. They weren’t a threat in the first place. If you stare into the eyes of an aggressive sociopath he will likely attack you on the spot, or perhaps follow you covertly and attack you at home or work.
I hope that you can take these comments in the right spirit and do not feel belittled or humiliated. That is not the intent. The intent is to save you and those that may follow your advice from disaster.
Cheers
Paul
Hi Paul. Thanks for commenting. I have a lot of empathy, no worries. I’m talking a little bit about rational and possibly violent here. Difference of opinions or being a little different is not the topic, really.
The potential threats against a man, yes. Rarely do I hear of a woman being attacked by a woman, or a pig dog. I do feel that making someone aware that you clearly see them is a better deterrent than a hindrance. This is about awareness. And, of course, it is my personal “opinion” which has no basis in research. I appreciate your comments.
I like how you put things in perspective here. It’s like in Tang Soo Do for the Master’s belts. The blue represents the cool, calm demeanor that’s on the outside. The red indicates the fire that’s ready to be unleashed when necessary. Awesome, my friend! 🙂
Thank you, Anwar!
🙂 Not looking like a victim is for sure a great place to start with self defense. Many criminals are looking for easy targets, not the gals who are self confident and aware of their surroundings. Thanks for this call to arms!
Very true! Let’s stay strong!
Great, as always,really proud, love mom