Listen and Hear

Sometimes the most profound things happen when we listen.  The first cry of a newborn or the last  breath of air exhaled at the end of a person’s life.  

One breath.  That is all that holds us on the cusp between life and death.

My father suffered from Multiple Sclerosis since he was in his forties.  It took its toll over the years, but he lived a long life until he passed a couple of years ago.  At the hospital, at the end, I was there.  Just listening. Nurses came and went and there were a few small conversations between my brother and I, but for the most part, I listened to my father.  I could hear nothing but my father breathing.

Then, in one quiet moment, in just a single small second, the breathing stopped.  The man I had listened to all my life  was gone and I witnessed his last moment on this earth.

If I had not been listening, I may have missed it.

Not every listening moment is this dramatic.  Not every one is recognized for its importance when it happens.  In big and small ways, listening can be a pivotal moment in your life.

Listening in the Dojo

Listening to breathing is nothing new to me.  In karate, we use breath to focus, to center, and to control movement.  When we stretch  in class, all is quiet, and good breathing allows you to get deeper into the stretch.  Quiet breathing is the preparation  for movement of the body.  When I listen to the class while we are stretching, I hear little bits of breath exhaled; a reminder of the little bits of breath that escaped my father in his last moments here.

New students join in the stretching and just follow along quietly.  When class starts, however, they often have a lot of questions.

Why is a kata done a particular way? Why can’t an escape be done differently? How long will it take before I can be a black belt?  The youngest children may ask questions completely unrelated to the lesson.  When is the next class?  How old are you?   I usually entertain a couple of quick questions, but after that, with a finger to my lips to be quiet, my motto is “stop talking, just listen.”  This is the best way to learn karate.  It can’t be explained and each person learns at his own pace and in his own way; whatever I say cannot change the personal experience for the student.

While it is the norm for the students to listen to the instructor, there are times in the dojo when it is important for the instructors to listen to the students.  In our karate classes for kids, we have a mat minute where we explain a value or virtue to the children.  During that time, children are allowed to raise their hands if they have something to share.  They always have something important to say.

“My mommy brought home a new baby.”

“School was fun today.”

“Tomorrow is my birthday.”

By stopping to listen to the children we are helping them gain self-confidence by leaps and bounds.  We don’t even need to reply, other than a smile, and all is good.  They need someone to listen.

When is listening important?  The answer is simple.  All the time.  You may never realize the impact you have had on someone’s life just by listening.  You may never receive an acknowledgement or a thank you.  You may never know how they resolved their issue or celebrated their triumph or made their plans come to fruition, but your ability to listen has helped.  

Crucial but Overlooked

Listening, not talking,  is one of the most important things we can do in our life.  It is crucial, but often overlooked.

We have so much to say!   We are ready to comment, defend, or explain before the person talking has a chance to finish.  To be a good co-worker, a good spouse, a good friend, we need to learn to listen more, and talk less. Sometimes, if we just listen,  questions are answered or concerns are addressed all before we ever have to ask or comment.  And, when listening we may just hear something that alters our life forever like the last breath of a very significant life.

At my day job, I have a nickname.  It is “The Doctor.”  A co-worker walks by every morning and jokingly sings “the doctor is in!”

Co-workers on occasion stop to chat or share a problem.  I  listen and try to find something positive in their struggle and try to help them see options.  When they leave my office they are relieved to know they can just talk things out with someone.  I feel good, too, because I have helped someone just by listening.  I have a new perspective and a new appreciation for their friendship. I hope, when I need it, they will listen to me.

How Can You Become a Better Listener?

Everyone can learn how to “stop talking and just listen.”  It is a learned behavior.  You have to put others first in order for it to work.

In order to apply the “stop talking, just listen” principle, even if you have more experience or knowledge than the person speaking, don’t interrupt.  Give him the undivided attention and chance he deserves to reveal his full perspective.  Refrain from making any comments, if possible, at least until the end of what he has to say. There will be many opportunities in life for you to be the center of attention and it will be important to you that others are listening when it is your turn.

Saying too much or at the wrong time sends a signal to other people that you don’t care about what they have to say. If you feel yourself just itching to jump into a conversation, say something positive first, before you say anything else.  This is a good way to bridge any discussion.  Something as simple as “Wow, that is a great idea!” or “That was very valuable, thank you.” Interject a positive tone like this and others will admire you instead of thinking of you as someone who aggressively dominates every conversation.

Another good rule of thumb is to count five seconds before you just blurt out what is on your mind.  It is not necessary to comment on everything, in every meeting, on every topic, in every conversation.  Well, you get the picture.

Phones Are a No-No

Do you have that urge to check messages and texts right in the middle of a conversation?  I don’t know what makes me think that what is happening on my phone is more important than the conversation I am having, but on occasion, I do.  I’ve learned a few tips the hard way- by making someone upset because I was checking my phone instead of listening to the conversation.

When you should be listening to someone, put your phone on vibrate and put it down.  Soon, you can check all the texts, posts, and messages that you want without disrupting anyone.

There is another easy way to keep yourself from checking your phone when someone is talking to you.  It is called eye contact.  This is what we did in the olden days!  We looked at each other when we talked. When you look in someone’s eyes something magical happens.  You really listen.  And, if you’re looking into someone’s eyes, you can’t look down to text at the same time.

Avoid the One-Up Game

As a good listener resist the urge to exclaim how you have done the same thing, only better; gone to the same place, but it was nicer; or purchased a similar item, but got a better deal.  You may think you are simply contributing to a conversation but in reality you are bursting someone else’s bubble.

Allow others to share their good news without commenting that you have done, seen, or tried it, only better.  Saying less or nothing at all actually says quite a bit about you.  Friendships can be broken, relationships compromised, all because we don’t take the time to just listen.

Reiterate

Perhaps you have put your phone down.  You are making good eye contact. You have refrained from one-upping.  All this and yet you can’t be remember a word of what was just said to you!

Think of your conversation as something on which you will be tested later.  Start to listen for key words.  Figure out the gist of the conversation.  Like reading a book, look for the theme.  Later, reiterate what you felt were the important highlights.  Summarize the discussion. This will show that you were listening and that you care.

When I come home after an especially difficult day with a lot to say, after a few minutes of my banter, my husband usually looks at me and says the only words that ever bring me back into balance: “Stop talking.  Just listen.”  Then, he summarizes what he thinks I said and we go from there, a little more calmly. It works!

Selfish to Selfless

Listening to others is about turning selfishness into selflessness.  First, we must break the “me” barrier.   It may not be easy to recognize, but encouraging others to succeed helps us become more successful in our own lives.

When I know someone is just right for a job opportunity at work, or read a blog that is just fantastic, I reach out to the candidate or the writer.  I let him know that a perfect job opening has presented itself, or I tell him how great I thought his blog is.  I even go a step further and help line up an interview or promote their blog on my own social media sites.  Am I setting up competition for myself?  No, because reaching out and helping others is proof that I have been listening.  Perhaps when I need a job down the road, they can suggest something.  Or, they can share my blog with others.  When we work together like this, success can be multiplied.

Is it all or nothing?

I’m not saying you should never reply, respond, or participate in conversations, or never state your opinion.  Take it case by case.  Make eye contact.  Put the phone down.  Teach to a listening audience, and be a listener for others.  You may hear about places you have never been, or things you have never experienced.  You may learn how to do something new.  You may see a different perspective on life, like looking through the eyes of a child, or literally hearing the last miraculous breath of a person’s life.

If you balance all of the different factors, a little of this and a little of that, you will be a good co-worker, a good person to talk to, a good friend.

Listen Here

Good listening, like a martial art, takes patience, skill, and practice to become proficient.  I am still trying to do it better.

My father’s last moment was worth listening for, worth hearing.  After all, there is only ever one last moment in a person’s life. When he passed, I saw my childhood swirl over the top of his breath, a memory.  It was something that I will never forget; a moment that means more to me than all the thousands of moments that have gone by or all the thousands that still remain in my future.  I miss him, of course, but I’m so thankful he is no longer suffering.  And, perhaps it is karma, but I feel like I see bits and pieces of my father every time I look at my oldest son, who looks so much like my father did in his early years.

I’ve found out more about myself on this listening journey.  I still talk when I should be listening at times.  It is a work in progress that may never be totally finished, but one thing is for sure, I am better for it.

There are so many sounds of life that you will never hear again exactly the same way.  Intimate moments, faith moments, moments of courage, all with their own sound and presence. 

I challenge you to stop everything you are doing for a moment, and….

Just listen.

Another simple lesson for winning at life.

Andrea