Spite.  Revenge.  A Grudge.

I’d like to say I have none; but, I would not be speaking the truth. 

Sometimes I just want to squash that person who is bragging.  At times I’d like to see that awful person really get what he deserves.  The person who stood in my way of success years ago will never be forgiven.

Yes, a black belt who professes to be positive, tries to teach others how to manage their lives better, and seeks to be inspirational and motivational, thinks all of these horrible thoughts on occasion.  A black belt does not erase “human.”  It does not replace feelings.  It cannot control thoughts.  It is a good reminder of how to be, but on the worst of days even its influence wanes.

As I look deeper into myself, though, I can see where and why these thoughts formed.

The Braggart

The person who brags makes me cringe.  The one who is a know-it-all drives me nuts!  The center-of-attention clown makes me want to reach out and punch his nose like I’m punching a karate bag.  That’s a lot of bad thoughts for a subtle, polite, martial artist like me.

Finally, today, I sat down to think this through.  What is it that makes me so upset with the braggart?  Is it really what he is saying or doing?  Or, something about me?  I guess we both bear part of the problem.  Maybe, just maybe, deep inside I’m a little jealous.  Why don’t I know that stuff, I wonder?  Why is he so comfortable with himself that he can just talk off the top of his head?  Why can he so easily stand up in front of a group of people and not care one bit what they think?

Am I inadequate?  Am I less?  At first, I felt that way.  Ah, yes.  The truth revealed.  Sure the outspoken, always right person is a little annoying, but me?  Me.  I’m lacking.  I don’t have one iota of what he has.

I’ve professed to others over and over to not play the comparison game, yet, I jumped on the bandwagon myself, picked up the comparison board game piece and put it on the square that sent me back a few spaces.  What I really need to do is “move ahead.”  That is the space that gives me another chance at winning the game.

I am right about one thing.  That braggart should be quiet for a change.  I don’t think there is anything wrong in that thought.  Jealousy, though, is never good even if another person has a  wealth of knowledge I don’t have.  I can choose to hate it or learn from it.  I really do have choices, and many of them.  I’m not inadequate, I’m different.  I can look at him and think, what is it that he has that I want and I can just focus on getting better in that.  Even in the worst of situations I can learn.

The braggart has actually taught me a very valuable lesson including how not to be.  He has also reminded me to face and erase jealousy.

The Awful Person

He committed a crime.  He told a lie.  He purposely hurt another.

I admit it.  I want him to pay for his wrong doing.  Especially since the rest of us work so hard to be good people.  One awful person walks into our lives and turns everything upside down.  His anger, his actions, his behavior scares us and makes us feel uncomfortable in our own skin.

Hating the awful person does not do anything.  Wanting him to pay for his wrongdoings is only normal, but any emotion that feels close to hate….well, that’s not good.

People who are awful people became that way for a reason.  Their family life was awful.  They missed getting love or affection, had no guidance or direction, or had little care.  They were left to fend for themselves in a world that is so big and consuming when they were just little tiny people.  Or, they have mental challenges.  They want life to feel normal like everyone else, but can’t.  Something in their brain struggles with happiness and purposeful communication.  Or, some just have hardened hearts.

I’m sure there are other scenarios, but none changes the fact that the person I consider “awful” has a lot going on; a lot more than me sitting here in my little happy writing place in my lovely home with my wonderful family around me while I share my thoughts with you  There’s no excuse for being awful.  There’s no reason to like the awful person, either.  But, I found, I have a teeny-tiny space in my heart for the awful person.  I have a small sprinkling of compassion.  I recognize that no one is awful just to be awful.  It’s a lonely place to be.

I don’t think there is any punishment or judgment I could add that isn’t already being rendered.  Loneliness is probably the life-long sentence, along with never being understood or accepted.   What worse payment for being awful is there?

I may not trust this person, may never embrace him, but I can stop wishing that he pays for his wrong doing because he’s already paying for it in his own mind.

The Person Who Stood in My Way

I had a guidance counselor in college.  We did not see eye to eye.  I wanted to be in the teacher’s program, she didn’t let me.  I wanted to go to grad school, she didn’t recommend me.  I didn’t fit her mold of a teacher or of a grad student.  End of Story.  To this day, I hold the grudge.  But maybe, just maybe, it’s time to let it go.

When we hold a grudge, we place the entire blame for our situation on someone else.  Clearly it was her fault.  Clearly I was the perfect fit, the right person, the only choice.

Well, since it is “dig deeper into the meaning of life day” it’s a good time to reflect on this one, too.

I was not the perfect student.  On my own for the first time, having had moved from Rhode Island to Florida, I was enjoying all that Florida had to offer. Still, my lifelong dream was to be a teacher and so even upon my reflection now, I believe she hindered that because she found me to be different from the other students under her tutelage. I can see how some of my activities gave her that opinion.  This was long before karate was a part of my life.  Focus and self-discipline were not my strong suits.

By the time I was getting ready to graduate, I had been on the Dean’s List for two years and requested her recommendation for grad school.  She declined and said I was not ready.  My self-confidence truly tumbled.  I tried so hard.  I didn’t know what to do.  After I graduated, I ended up working at a hotel, using a moped as my sole form of transportation.  Sun or rain I drove that thing over bridges and busy roads to get to work.  I did this for more than a year.  My reward for studying literature and being assigned guidance to a woman who held my future in her hands ended up as a moped ride.  That was my post-graduation life.  No teaching.  No grad school.  You can see why I’ve carried this little bit of grief in my back pocket all these years.

I will probably never admit that she was right.  I’m not sure she was.  Where I find myself today, however, is a good place and is that way because of those denials.  They sure made me feel unworthy of being successful back then.  Sure, I was not a star student, but twice denied by the same person for the only paths I thought were right really shook me.

Perhaps if not for the denials, I would have never married, or I would have never had four children, or never learned karate.  And, I am today a karate teacher, and a writer and I didn’t need a teaching certificate or a master’s degree to make my dreams happen.  This just proves that the dreams and purpose with which we are born will become reality no matter what anyone else thinks.

Letting the grudge go is tricky; but I must because even through those  denials and after that frustration and in a place far, far underneath the surface,  I ended up exactly where I always wanted to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving Forward

Having learned from the braggart, the awful person, and the professor who twice denied me, has made me a more resilient person.  Jealousy and revenge aside, grudges and dislikes erased, I hope to always see these types of people as a reminder that what they do or say can never divert me from my true purpose in life.  Black belt aside, my human nature earned a belt today in my own acceptance that others affect my life only when I allow them that opportunity.  The rest is up to me.

What about you?  Of all the things that really nag at you in the back of your mind, can you finally put some of them to rest?  Can you take a few steps forward, make something right again, and inch your way closer to the win?  Find a remedy, ask for forgiveness, make amends, whatever it is that you need to do, now is a very good time.

Today, I am renewed and finally relieved because I’m ready to let go.  Ready to go on and live my life without carrying the baggage that I mistakenly thought others placed upon me.  I have a responsibility.  A responsibility to follow my path knowing that my own emotions should never, ever stand in my way.

I proclaim that I am ready.  Ready to Win at Life.

Are you?