Ego.  The bad kind still exists but really should be snuffed out.

You may have millions of dollars and wear the nicest clothes; or, you may be very smart and create new and incredible things.  You may own a mega corporation or have fifteen children and a nanny.  All that is great, but you are no better than anyone else.  There is nothing wrong with any of that, except when you mistakenly believe others are not as good as you because you have those things. We all have equal value.

You may be homeless on the street corner. You may be starving somewhere.  You may have served in a war and come back broken.  You may be just a little baby, or a really old person.  You are just as important as anyone, maybe even more so.  You have a perspective the rest of us fail to see.  And, you make the value of life clearer to the rest of us just because of who you are.

Ego has no place at home, in the work place, or anywhere.  Whatever it is that makes you feel you are better than anyone else is the biggest lie you have ever told yourself.  I’m here to set things straight.  Because of a story a friend told me, I know that ego once burned so strongly that it could not just be snuffed out.  It is best described in the story of the bulldog ashtray.

The Story of the Bulldog Ashtray

Once upon a time, there was a certain demeanor that existed in the workplace.  Big business and large industry were run by middle-aged, balding, eyeglass wearing, men.  Pictures of company Board Members adorned the walls; men stiffly posed wearing dark suits with starched shirts and ties with short stodgy haircuts.

The men shared big, open work spaces or cubicles prominently adorned with ashtrays filled to the brim from long hours of brainstorming and paperwork.   Ashes, like egos, piled up.

One day, my friend went for a job interview.  He was called in to the boss’s office and one of the first things he noticed was the combined smell of cigarette and pipe smoke wafting through the air.  Displayed nobly, front and center on the big boss’s desk, was a “bulldog ashtray.”

The story of the bulldog ashtray is one that represents self-imposed hierarchy and egoism.  Even compared to other ashtrays, the bulldog one was tops.  Most ashtrays were plain square glass-like bowls with indentations; but the bulldog ashtray had to do with success, achievement, and accomplishment.  It symbolized an ego that could never be extinguished.

The interviewer held a cigarette in one hand, while at the same time his pipe sat gingerly waiting for attention in the bulldog ashtray.  He puffed on the cigarette and rolled it slowly across his dry and crackled lips, then inhaled and exhaled during the entire interview.

It was a different time, one when women were housewives or secretaries.  Men ruled industry and prejudices were accepted and common place.  Indulgence and ego naturally blended together.  The bulldog that sat precociously on the rim of the ashtray resembled a roaring lion statue at the gate of an estate.  It allowed ashes to fall under its watchful eye.  A bulldog boss and a bulldog ashtray produced, of course, a bulldog ego.

Over time, the bulldog ashtray and overzealous ego were phased out. Nowadays even smoking at work is prohibited. Thankfully we all started to realize that nothing good ever happens when a highly polished, overfilled bulldog ashtray companions with super-sized ego.

I don’t even know if he got the job.  He probably told me, but I was so enthralled with the pseudo power of the bulldog ashtray and how it reflected egoism in the workplace, that I can’t recall.  I checked and found that you can buy vintage bulldog ashtrays for sale on the Internet.  Do people still buy these things?

I am appreciative that times have evolved and that, as a woman, I can be a respected martial artist and instructor along with all my other roles and responsibilities.  With the deterioration of the bulldog ashtray and men-only business cultures, our world has become a more diversified and better tolerated place.  Ego has not vanished, but it has changed enough that all of us can recognize it when it rears its ugly head.

The bulldog ashtray story made me stop to reflect, though, about how ego makes itself known these days.  It may be a little more subtle than in the past, but it is still around.

Check Your Ego

Have you checked yours lately?   Keeping ego in check means we must examine who we are, what we want, how we treat others, and our overall actions.  Positive direction will keep self-importance under control:

• Who are we:  Are we positive toward others and happy about their success; or, jealous or envious of what others have or do?
• What we want:  Do we seek personal fulfillment and success by giving one hundred percent; or, do we chase success at the expense of others?
• How we treat others:  Are we respectful of others opinions and value their insight; or, do we demand, judge, or demean others contributions?
• Our actions:   Do our actions speak louder than words; or, do we avoid actions altogether and hope we can convince others of our goodness?

Take a good look at who you are, the genuine you.  If you’re not progressing in life the way you had hoped, make sure it’s not selfishness and self-imposed ego holding you back.

Ego in the Dojo

Ego has certainly had a home in the martial arts.  Traditionally, only men were taught. This has shifted over time so that women, children, and even those with mental or physical challenges can experience the life-changing benefits of martial arts.

While ego has diminished, sometimes it is still on the agenda. If you are a martial artist and your years of experience or number of stripes on your belt have given you a sense of elevated self-belief, then the ego monster has found a foothold.  You must return to why you sought out martial arts in the first place.

Martial arts instructors can also overstep the ego boundary.  If an instructor demands any of the following from his student, then he may be indulging in ego.

The student is not allowed to:

• Learn from other teachers
• Teach at other dojos
• Associate with people whom he does not approve
• Branch out on his own
• Refrain from being demonstrated upon if techniques are painful

Fortunately, my degrees were earned from a dojo that was full of excitement and busy with students.  It was a positive and rewarding experience that I will never forget.  The instructors were helpful in guiding me through my learning and helped me to achieve black belts and trophies in my tests.  I always felt that my success meant something to them.  My respect for their teaching was reciprocated in their respect for me.  Positive reinforcement, not ego, was the norm.

In the karate program my husband and I established, ego has no place.  We don’t pretend to be mystical or perfect.  We have practiced for half our lifetimes and are in good shape, but we are both in our fifties.  A student in his thirties may have more endurance, or another student may be really strong.  I don’t pretend I don’t have my own weaknesses at the expense of others.  Teaching has nothing to do with me winning or even being better skilled than my own students; it has to do with teaching them what they need to know for advancement and personal achievement.

In martial arts, the student travels a journey of introspection unique to him.  It is a personal and gracious walk that brings him back to center…not an ego-driven place, but a center of personal reflection and thought.  When egocentric pipe-dreams and puffed up egos finally fade, we will be headed in the right direction.  Ironically, if there were only a place to flick away all the garbage from our lives into a place like a bulldog ashtray, we would all be better for it.

Our worth has nothing to do with how much money we make, or what we have.  No matter our place in life, our extent of knowledge, or where we have traveled, we are no better than the next guy, who has his own set of extraordinary life experiences.

All I know is that the people in my life who are genuine, who care about me, and who step up when I need something just because it’s the right thing, are the people with whom I want to surround myself.  I have no tolerance for ego, for shiny bulldog ashtrays, or people who think they are somehow better than me or those I love.

The lesson is simple, friends.  Let ego disintegrate.  That’s when you will really impress me.

Win at life.