There was a time when the negative or hateful words of others affected me. Sometimes it was even my own negative or hateful words toward myself. When judged harshly, by others or by yourself, it is difficult to find peace within. You can convince yourself that you are not worthy. You can tell yourself you will never succeed. You can allow gossip or negativity to infiltrate your core.

Or, you can choose to ignore judgment.

People don’t always mean to hurt your feelings. As an adult, have you ever walked up to a group of people or even a couple of friends to realize that they were talking about you? They didn’t realize you would hear them.  They didn’t mean to offend you, but they did. It is a terrible feeling and you internalize it and feel inferior. As a child or teen, it is even more hurtful. You start to believe that you are not as popular, beautiful, or intelligent as others; or you don’t wear the right clothes or drive the right car. That is why bullying is such a problem for kids, and for adults, too.  The recipients, especially if they already have low self-esteem, believe what they hear. Just as in any self-defense, lack of confidence only allures the bully.  There are many programs and ideas sprouting up that can help re-direct or punish bullying behaviors, thank goodness. 

Judgment, however, will always exist.

It is unfortunate, but you won’t only be judged by strangers. Maybe even your own family, friends, or peers will come down a little hard on you. They don’t believe in what you are doing. They think your ideas are crazy and instead of trying to understand, they judge or ignore. You have to accept that others will have differing opinions. That does not mean you should change or modify yours. People can say whatever they want. Don’t believe it. Trust yourself. Don’t lash back. Be who you are.Take the high road.

As a martial art and motivational blogger, I am very active on social media. It helps to promote my blog. Once I share my posts, others share them, too, and it creates a cascade effect that allows my words to travel outside the bounds of my own circles.  For the most part, it is a good experience, but now and again I stumble across an argumentative person.  This is someone who wants to negate you just for the sake of it; who believes only their style of martial art is the best; or thinks only their opinion matters.  It is so important to not let his words entice you into self-doubt. If you believe something then stick to your beliefs. That is not to say that if someone has a valid difference of opinion that you should not value or consider it. Often, though, the judgmental opinions of others are not substantiated. They don’t come from direct experience.

At times, I hear, “karate (or other hard style martial arts) is not a valid defense system.” I disagree. It is an art where kicks, punches,and blocks are the main components. Board breaks help to hone technique and give confidence measures. I believe that a good kick or punch in just the right place is a valid defense; or can help deter an assailant or create distance. I don’t believe that it is the only defense, but it is one that can work.

I also believe that traditional ju jitsu (escapes) can work. I think BJJ is good. Tai Chi. Kung Fu. I never say “grappling will never work,” “Tai Chi is a dance,” “Kung Fu is not relevant.”  These are negative, untrue statements about very good martial arts. Each explores different territories when it comes to self-defense. Let’s face it, if you are attacked, you are going to have to pull out all the punches (so to speak) and the more you know, the better.

I have to believe that if I kick or punch a guy in the groin or escape from his hold it is part of a decent defense. I may disagree on occasion with others views, but I don’t judge.  I won’t bash another style or martial art, ever.  Part of being a martial artist is respect and that respect is not just reserved for certain areas of life; it is for all areas of life, including judgment.
This is the key to dealing with all judgment:

Let it roll off your shoulders. If you have experience or expertise in something, then you have a solid opinion backed by facts and experiences, and nothing should change that.  Keep the judgment of others in perspective. Don’t lash out at others judging you; instead, let them know you value their opinions and leave it at that. There are times when you will never win an argument and you must learn to recognize those moments.

While you should deter unsolicited, negative judgment, you should also keep an open mind. What feels like discouraging judgment can actually be a constructive criticism.  There can be valid exceptions to your approach if you are still learning or do not know a topic thoroughly.  An argument or debate might make sense and lead you to new conclusions or perspectives you did not consider, and that is a positive thing.

If I am speaking about a topic and someone mentions that it would be a good idea to include another topic, or that one of my facts was incorrect, that is judgment but in a constructive light.  Good judgment and expression can be intermingled to help others. In fact, paying a compliment to someone or motivating them is also a form of judgment. Positive judgment.

Those who judge just to judge or who are impulsive or decisive without merit will be seen for who they are. Never compromise yourself by allowing others judgment to settle into your heart.  Let nothing shake your confidence. There is no argument that exists that should include harsh judgment.

Martial Arts Training

Martial arts training has given me something far beyond a physical activity, artful practice, or defense system. I can throw someone or wrangle out of a hold, if I need; but it’s the belief in myself that I treasure more than anything else. Training has given me the confidence to be who I am and to judge judgment appropriately.

I used to shrug away from sharing my personal opinion. I wouldn’t say things for fear of sounding stupid or inept. I would shy away from answering questions in groups or stepping up to be the first participant in something. I judged myself harshly, thinking I was less than others. Less smart. Less accurate. Less important. When I learned karate, I saw a very important transformation occur. I had no difficulty learning, just like the others. I had some good skill, flexibility and technique in the making. Even within large groups of students I started to feel like I fit in and was just as capable.

This was a turning point for me.

I started to realize that I had some leadership skills. Around green belt I started teaching white belts. Wow! I had something to offer. I didn’t have trouble talking to them. As I progressed, I learned about a mindset that was about to transform my life. Since that time, I’ve used that karate mindset to overcome the most difficult of life’s obstacles. Anyone can judge me and tell me that I should have reacted differently in any given situation; I will debate that with this: without martial arts, I would have never overcome or reacted in the positive way that I did.  That is the truth.

More truth

Yesterday in class I was holding the target for one of the young adult men in class. When he punched it….well, let’s just say he’s very strong.

What immediately came to my mind was, “what if he punched me like that?” I’d be knocked out. I’d be flat on my back with no brain activity. Getting punched by a guy like that would probably me drop like a dead fly. I began to judge myself and question myself.

For a moment, I must say, my confidence was shaken. Although the theories from some practitioners that “grappling” could save me, I didn’t see how it could in this situation.  So, what could I do? What did 26 years of training teach me that would help me defend myself from a young, strong, crazy man who just tries to punch my lights out?  Here’s what I came up with:

1. You need to be aware always. It is unlikely some thug is just going to punch you in the grocery store, but if you are hanging out in a less than desirable bar or the corner of a bad section of time, maybe it’s not out of the question.
2. Look like you know what you are doing so you are less of a target. As a woman, it’s a slim chance some guy is just going to haul off and punch you, but he may grab you. That’s when escapes or maybe even grappling come into play.
3. If I saw that punch coming at all, if I just move my body a little left or a little right, or move my head to one side or the other of that punch, I could avoid it.

That’s what I know.

Nothing can absolutely save me from this hard, fast punch if I don’t see it coming. Anyone judging my skills, who thinks their form of defense is better, won’t see it coming either.

How I judge myself here is this: I am not super-human. I cannot defend against every single situation. But, I know more than most. I’ve decided to be rude if I feel an attack or bad situation imminent. I’m ready to roundhouse someone or kick to a vulnerable spot if threatened. Working with the powerful punching student, though, brought me back to earth. Humble. Thoughtful. I must be prepared with my mind and my body.

No matter how you judge me or my skills, I’m going to do my best to avoid ever being in a situation where it’s likely I’ll get attacked and that’s the positive message that came from judgment in this scenario.

The Biggest Lesson

When you are judged by someone, even if the intent is good, it still feels bad. So, when you render judgment against someone else, think about how it might make that person feel. Forward or backward, judgment can be harmful.

If you are the recipient of judgment, there are a few things to remember. The first is that what someone else says about you simply does not matter. Lies, falsities, or questions about your character or your knowledge does not change who you are. Continue on your journey, steadfast and with confidence. Certainly, there are some areas of your life in which you are an expert, that no one can take away from you.  Motherhood. Career. Homeowner. Friend. Sibling.  Daughter. Spouse. Can someone really know you enough to judge how you should be?  Whatever negative words are said about you can never diminish the truth about you.

Thank goodness for martial arts. I wouldn’t have half the confidence I have about who I am today, if not for them. I can’t possibly control the rest of the world, or what is going to happen to me from an outside source on any given day. All I know is that I’m going to try to keep myself out of danger’s way, train the best I can, and live my life with a mindset that offers inspiration, guidance, and motivation. That’s where I’ll find peace.  The only judgment I am going to render right here, right now is this:

You are just as important and your opinions are just as valuable as anyone else on this planet.

Only defend yourself if you feel you must, but never with anger.  You can choose to ignore judgement, even if it is thrown in your face like a hard knock-out punch. Move just an inch or so in one direction or another to explore options without feeling condemned. Judgment is negative but keeping steadfast on your path is positive. Win at Life by believing in yourself. You can’t stop judgment, but you can decide to not let it affect you.  Half of the burden of judgment is in your hands.

You will be judged throughout your lifetime. There is no denying that.  There is one thing you should tell yourself, if in the midst of being judged by others; a few, simple, powerful words that can help you deal with judgment. The basis is a belief in yourself and a confidence to stay true to your ideals. Say them on the bad days or the good as a reminder of your worth and validity:

Today, nobody judges me.

Andrea