I often talk about how you can make positive and hopeful change in your own attitude and demeanor.  Like learning a martial art, it takes practice, sometimes years, to turn negative thoughts around.

Life, and becoming a better you, takes time.  It starts with a recognition that you can change and that nothing is set in stone.  Perhaps you feel a little unsure that your personality can be modified.  That’s the same way I felt when I started martial arts; completely unsure I could ever perform a single technique, completely unaware that there was a spirit within that would someday help me stand out as a warrior.

As I took my martial art classes, I started to apply a “practice” principle.   That really just means trying until you get it right.  When you incorporate the practice principle in a martial art, your behavior, attitude and physical limits are transformed over time because you work on improving attention and focus.  Flexibility increases, kicks heighten, and confidence builds as you practice.

It doesn’t happen overnight but with some time and experience you get better because you practice.  Changing yourself takes time and prioritization, too.  It seems like there is no particular roadmap on how to do it.  It starts with finding and following your talents while reviewing and accepting your faults and the faults of others.

This all brings me to my real topic:  how can you can change not just yourself, but someone else whose imperfections, stinking thinking, or irrational judgments affect you in a negative way?

You can learn to change your own behaviors and inadequacies, but how can you deal with the complexities of someone you love or with whom who spend a lot of time and is an integral part of your life?

What if they always criticize, are not very tolerant, are negative or even sometimes angry?

How should you react to them? How can you “redirect” them to be more positive, especially if they are people who are very close to you, such as a family member, spouse, or a close friend?

What if I have a student who hates my class, but has to be there because his parents insist he or she be there and I happen to be close friends with the students parents?

What if your boss or a co-worker  is very negative? What can you do because you cannot walk away even though he makes you very mad at times?

These are all good questions that were actually posed to me by a friend.  They really made me think because these are the most difficult situations of all.  When the actions of another, completely out of your control, have the ability to influence your life, your decisions, or your own mental health, there really is no perfect way to deal with them.  You can only rely on your own personal experiences; but there is one thing you should know for sure.  You cannot change another. There is no way, no how, no reasoning ever that will work in your favor.

That probably sounds a little negative, but I won’t steer you wrong or down a negative path.  It’s all about realizing what you can do, not what you cannot do.  What you can do is look at the options and find an answer that will help you cope with the negative or judgmental person in your own positive and understanding way.

The person you need to change, is not them, but you.

Option #1:  Less Reaction

How you react to someone may have some bearing on a his actions.

Take a child who is having a tantrum.  It seems the more aggravated the parent gets, the more the child misbehaves.  He builds on the negative energy the parent starts to emit.  The parent’s reaction of frustration and impatience makes the child continue in his uncontrolled rage.

All relationships contain an element of this type of behavior.  If possible, do not react to the negative or judgmental actions of your relative or close friend.  If this is someone you have known for years, they are expecting you to react the same way you’ve always reacted.  Maybe you get angry, or you yell, or you ask “why are you doing this?” with frustration or contempt.  It is a cycle that is uncontrollable and  never-ending.  They impose judgment, you react with an argument.  They spew out reason after reason why their life is imperfect, you get tired of trying to comfort them through the same pity party over and over.

Less reaction is really a change in you, not in them.  It is difficult.  When one of my children was still small, he would wake up every night around 2:00 a.m. and insist I play a video for him.  I know it sounds crazy, but he would cry and scream until I did it.  I was pregnant with another child and exhausted and so I would concede and put the video in and go back to bed.

Finally, one night, I had it.  I could not let him control my actions anymore, so when he started his tantrum for the video, I walked in his room, said “no” and proceeded to my car where I slept the rest of the night so I could not hear his screaming, crying tantrum.  The next night he tried again, but when I walked away, he stopped.

I am not saying to treat any adult as a child; what I am saying is that sometimes you might need to walk away, far enough so the negativity cannot reach your ears or your heart.  If the person realizes that every time he starts the negative behavior, you leave or ignore it, he may lessen or stop his behavior.

By changing your reaction to their action, you may find some relief.

Option #2:  Talk It Out

Maybe “not reacting” is just out of the question or you tried it and it does not work.  This person needs you and if you ignore their behavior it only makes things worse.

Talking is the most difficult form of communication, isn’t it?  It requires that you look someone in the eye and let your defenses down long enough to convey your message.  When the message has to do with a difficulty or rift in a relationship, it is the kind of communication most prefer to avoid.  I call it the “dread factor” because you dread having to discuss the topic with the other person.

Teaching martial arts requires talking and communicating an it has taught me a valuable lesson.  Through the art, I’ve learned to address issues as they come up.  I remind students immediately if their hands are not tightly clenched in a fist during drills, or if they don’t lift their knee before shooting out a kick.  I address it as I see it happening.

The important thing is to address the issue you have with the other person when it happens.  You have to use care and consideration.  You must be the understanding one.  You have heard the phrase “it is not what you say but how you say it.”  In the midst of the problematic behavior, just stop the person and let them know that you feel what he is saying or doing is inappropriate.  Don’t wait until he is done and don’t wait until later.  If I don’t address the student right away, we both forget the issue or assume it is not important.  Putting off addressing an uncomfortable situation only makes it worse.

Honesty is the best answer, too.  If a parent wants to blame me for his child’s lack of attention or focus in karate class, I will be honest with him because anything otherwise will only hurt the child in the long run.  “You said he would learn, you said he would get more focus, you said he would be better behaved,”  a parent might say.  My response will be:  “No, I never made those promises.”  Let’s face it, I’m not some almighty power who can just change people!

When I start to get negative about something, my husband is the first one to let me know that I’m thinking the wrong way and he doesn’t wait long to tell me.  It might take me by surprise but when I think about it, I can see his point and I try to modify my behavior.  I’d rather have someone who loves me point it out than a stranger or an acquaintance.  At least I know there is a constructive criticism component and since he knows me better than anyone else, I trust his opinion and insight.

Talking out a problem or issue with your family or friend elicits a little bit of dread, but on the other hand it is a form of critical communication that can help both of you.

Talk it out.  It’s worth a try.

Option #3:   As You Wish To Be Treated

It is sure hard to condemn someone else when you have your own set of faults and flaws with which to deal.   Sure, the actions of this family member or close friend aggravates you.  Sure, you wish there was an ounce of positive or hopeful insight in them.  But, what about you?

What if this person finds something about you distracting or discouraging? How would you want him to  convey his worry with you?  It’s easy to condemn others without taking a look at yourself.  It’s human nature to think that the problem always lies with someone else.

First, think of how you would want your close friend or family member to address their concerns about your behavior with you.  You don’t want them to yell at you or embarrass you.  Clearly you don’t want them to ignore you or tell you that you are a horrible person.

No matter how you decide to deal with this issue, keep in mind how you would want to be treated in a similar situation.

In class, I cannot yell at a student if he makes a mistake or if he cannot seem to learn a particular skill.  Instead, I encourage him to keep trying and I remind him that one day he will be able to conquer it.

Let the person with whom you are dealing know that all you really want to do is encourage him to find a better way and remind him that changes in behavior and thought and mindset can be conquered.  If a close friend tells me I’m being judgmental, it may hurt my feelings, but it will also make me more aware.  If they say “I love you, but you are being judgmental” then I know they really do care and want to help be become a better person.

At times, whatever we say or do will not change the other person because their actions stem from a much deeper place.  That’s when Option #4 might help.

Option #4:  Professional Help

It may not be that this person is purposefully misbehaving.  He could be carrying a lot of baggage or issues that have been piling up over the years.  From where does his terrible attitude come?  Is it the way he was raised?  Were there abuse issues?  Has he had terrible disappointments?  Has he  always been this way?

The answers to these questions don’t always make things right, but understanding why someone behaves a certain way can give you a bit of relief.  The reason for the behavior may need the repair, not the behavior itself.  Perhaps he needs to forgive or forget or release some very heavy burden before he can ever change.  That would require the help of a professional.

Maybe you, too, could use the help of a counselor, someone trained in a step by step approach to help guide you through a tough time with a loved one.  Think about an alcoholic’s child or spouse.  Their love continues, even though the alcoholic continues his behavior.  This is precisely why support groups were initiated and why they work and why getting professional help is a viable resource.

Option #5:  Acceptance

Some people just cannot change.  You can lessen your reaction, ignore them, and even talk it out.  No matter what you say or do will not change what they do and you end up frustrated and at your wit’s end.  At that point, you must ask yourself, “how can I accept them without having anger in my heart?”

This is a devastating feeling.  It’s a sense of loss to accept that despite what you do or say, another’s destructive or hurtful behaviors continue.

There are times when no matter what you do or say, how you react or worry, you will never change another person.  Part of you must accept, part must forgive, part must let go.  You will have to face that you are not responsible for this person.  What he does or say, how he feels, or how he treats others is simply not up to you.  If you have tried a few options, and still feel like his negativity is something you cannot control and it leaves you frustrated, you must either  accept or reject it; work with it or leave it behind.

Option #6:  Allow Time To Work In Your Favor

I had a co-worker once who tried to not get his work done.

That’s right.  He worked diligently at not doing what he was supposed to do.  If he had only put one-tenth of that effort into performing his assigned tasks, he would have seemed like an exemplary employee.

The only reason it really bothered me is because it affected my work product.  What I did depended on him finishing his work and so it left me very frustrated and distraught at times.  I complained to higher-ups, even faced him directly, but he was defensive and it was clear nothing he did was going to change.

I thought about changing jobs and went on a few interviews.  I thought about punching him (just joking!), and I thought about how I could get around working with him at all.  Nothing really resolved the issue.

After I tried everything I could think of, I basically just gave up.

That is when time worked in my favor.

A change happened that was out of my control and it was a change that worked in my favor.    He got a new job and left the company.  From that day on, my job was better than ever.  I had tried my own remedies, but in reality time ended up working in my favor.

Change is Never Easy

There is no right answer.  There is no magic or crystal ball into which you can make decisions about the people who are the closest to you.  My family sees me as wife and mother; the concept of “The Martial Arts Woman” is different to them because they see my bad days, my downtime, my face without makeup, my morning messy hair.  I have to take my own advice and read my own blogs on occasion, and I’m not exempt from being grumpy, or mean, or completely wrong at times.

When love is involved, the burden falls on you to discover how you can cope with the words or actions of another.  The world is made up of different types of people.  You do not always get to pick and choose who is connected to you.  Look at your situation, assess the circumstance, and face the challenge of this relationship head on.  When there is love, there are always possibilities and there are always options, they just might not be what you want or expect.

The only way you can Win at Life is to make the best decision for you.  Forget changing someone else.  Change  yourself.

Andrea