Listen and Hear
Sometimes the most profound things happen when we listen. The first cry of a newborn or the last breath of air exhaled at the end of a person’s life.
One breath. That is all that holds us on the cusp between life and death. My father suffered from Multiple Sclerosis since he was in his forties. It took its toll over the years, but he lived a long life until he passed away. At the hospital, at the end, I was there. Just listening. Nurses came and went and there were a few small conversations, but for the most part, I listened to my father’s breath. It was as if that was all I could hear.
Then, in one quiet moment, in a single small second, his breathing stopped. The man I had listened to all my life was gone and whisked away in a final breath as I witnessed his last moment on this earth. If I had not been listening, I may have missed it.
Not every listening moment is this dramatic. Not every moment is as important. However, in big and small ways, listening is communication. In my father’s case, it was a goodbye. In other cases, it means you care or you believe in the person to whom you are listening.
Listening in the Dojo
Listening to breathing is nothing new to me. In martial art practice, we use breath to focus,center, and control movement. When we stretch in class, all is quiet, and good breathing allows you to get deeper into the stretch. Quiet breathing is the preparation for movement of the body. When we are stretching, I hear little bits of breath exhaled. They are a gentle reminder of the little bits of breath that escaped my father in his last moments here on earth and how important it is to listen.
When new students join a class, they follow along quietly in the stretching. There is a momentum and synchronicity to the group’s breathing. When stretching is over, the silence ends and is replaced with the sounds of learning in the dojo. Questions arise. Why is a kata done a particular way? Why can’t an escape technique be done differently? How long will it take before I can be a black belt?
The youngest children ask questions but quickly, with a finger to my lips, I encourage them to be quiet, to stop talking and just listen. The best way to learn is to listen. However, while it is the norm for the students to listen to the instructor, there are times in the dojo when it is important for the instructors to listen to the students. In our classes for kids, we had a mat minute when we explained a value or virtue to the children. During that time, children were allowed to raise their hands if they had something to share. They always have something important to say.
“My mommy brought home a new baby.”
“School was fun today.”
“Tomorrow is my birthday.”
The kids gained confidence by leaps and bounds when we stopped to listen. We did not need to reply with anything other than a smile and they were happy. All they wanted was someone to listen.
When is Listening Important?
When is listening important? The answer is simple. All the time. You may never realize the impact you have had on someone’s life just by listening. You may never receive an acknowledgement or a thank you. You may never know how they resolved their issue, celebrated their triumph, or made their plans come to fruition, but your ability to listen helped.
Listening, not talking, is one of the most important things we can do in our life. I know! We have so much to say! We are ready to comment, defend, or explain before the person talking has a chance to finish. To be a good co-worker, a good spouse, a good friend, we need to learn to listen more and talk less. Sometimes, if we just listen, questions and concerns are answered all before we ever have to ask or comment. When listening, you may just hear something that alters your life forever, like the last breath of a very significant life.
How Can You Become a Better Listener?
Everyone can learn how to listen. Part of it is to stop talking. It is a learned behavior. You have to put others first in order for it to work.
In order to apply the “stop talking, just listen” principle, even if you have more experience or knowledge than the person speaking, don’t interrupt. Give them the undivided attention and chance to reveal their full perspective. Refrain from making any comments, if possible, until they are finished. There will be many opportunities in life for you to be the center of attention and it will be important then that others listen to you.
Saying too much or at the wrong time sends a signal to other people that you don’t care about what they say. If you feel yourself itching to jump into a conversation, say something positive first, before you say anything else. This is a good way to bridge any discussion. Something as simple as “Wow, that is a great idea!” or “That was very valuable, thank you.” Interject a positive tone like this and others will admire you instead of thinking of you as someone who aggressively dominates every conversation.
Another good rule of thumb is to count five seconds before you just blurt out what is on your mind. It is not necessary to comment on everything, in every meeting, on every topic, or in every conversation. Well, you get the picture.
Avoid the One-Up Game
As a good listener, resist the urge to exclaim how you have done the same thing, only better; gone to the same place, but it was nicer; or purchased a similar item, but got a better deal. You may think you are simply contributing to a conversation but in reality you are bursting someone else’s bubble.
Allow others to share their good news without commenting that you have done, seen, or tried it, only better. Saying less or nothing at all actually says quite a bit about you. Friendships can be broken, relationships compromised, all because we don’t take the time to just listen.
Listen Here
Good listening, like a martial art, takes patience, skill, and practice to become proficient. I am still trying to do it better.
My father’s last moment was worth listening for, worth hearing. After all, there is only ever one last moment in a person’s life. When he passed, I saw my childhood swirl over the top of his breath like a memory. It was something that I will never forget and is a moment that means more to me than all the thousands of moments that have gone by or all the thousands that still remain in my future.
I’ve found out more about myself on this listening journey. I still talk when I should be listening at times. It is a work in progress that may never be totally finished. One thing is for sure, I am better for it.
There are so many sounds of life that you will never hear again exactly the same way. Intimate moments, faith moments, moments of courage, all with their own sound and presence.
I challenge you to stop everything you are doing for a moment, and just listen.
xoxo
Andrea
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More inspiration here:
The Martial Arts Woman Podcast: https://anchor.fm/andrea-harkins
Books:
Pick up one or both of my motivational books here:
The Martial Arts Woman book: https://www.amazon.com/Martial-Arts-Woman-Motivational-Stories/dp/1544916213
Martial Art Inspirations for Everyone book: https://www.amazon.com/Martial-Inspirations-Everyone-Andrea-Harkins/dp/150297830X
