I admit it.  I’m a peacemaker.  Always have been. Always will be.  I hate to see someone unhappy.  I try to figure out why. I take the time to listen. I smile, I nod, I let them know it’s okay, whatever they are feeling. It makes me feel useful, to be a good listener, and productive, to be a good writer.  Kind words and feelings have a place in my heart and it takes a lot to dissuade me from sharing them or from feeling compassion.

I admit even more.

I hate it when someone doesn’t like me.  What’s not to like?  haha.  Silly question, I know.  Some people think I’m too nice.  Some think I’m too kind. Some think I have a hidden agenda, that I want something in return.  All I can say, is “I am me.”  There’s no changing it, and I suppose if you don’t like me, there’s not a lot I can do about that either.

The politics of life can be very demanding.  I once tried to decipher what I could be doing wrong.  Why wouldn’t everyone like me? I finally figured it out, and it took a good half of my lifetime.  Different personalities exist in the world.  Not everyone has the same viewpoint I have.  Not everyone has the same vision. Everyone can be subject to scrutiny, even me.  Now, I’m able to recognize that it’s not always my at fault.  I can be as genuine as possible, but that does not mean everyone will see it that way, or that they will like it.

Politics are tricky.  They pull you in different directions and make you feel defensive.  Then, you react out of spite or ignorance, or anger.  Even in martial arts there exists a good bit of politics.  There is no way to really regulate styles and black belts because there are so many nuances so it’s easy to question others’ intentions.  In my opinion, the truth will always be revealed. There is a lot of time spent on these types of questions and comments:

• How did he get to be a 10th dan?
• Is claiming to be an expert?
• From where did he get his training?
• Is his style as good as a traditional one?
• Is he who he says he is?

And on and on.

I can’t help but wonder if that negative energy could be redirected into something more positive, like simply focusing on yourself.  How can you get better? How can you share your knowledge? How can you use your martial art to better others, to provide opportunity, to excel?

I realize that the more I am recognized in the martial arts industry, the more I will have to contend with this.  Maybe someone will question my experience, my style, my black belt.  Maybe someone will Photoshop a photo or claim an untruth.  I have no control over negativity that is just thrown in my face.  Anyone can say anything they want about me.  The question should be “why?” Why waste the energy to bash someone when you can spend that valuable time focusing on your own responsibility as a person and as a martial artist?

I know it happens to celebrities all the time. Even I used to scrutinize them, and I’m a nice person.

• Is she really that pretty without makeup?
• If I had a personal trainer, I’d look like that, too.
• They must have filtered her wrinkles.

It is easy to criticize and easy to condemn, but perhaps time could be spent better otherwise. I could look in the mirror and really assess the importance of beauty.  I could go to the gym and sculpt some muscles instead of being jealous.  I could have ironed out my own wrinkles instead of judging someone else.  I stopped worrying about what others were doing because I finally realized that by focusing on myself, I was doing what I needed to do.

No one, in any lifetime, is exempt from facing negativity and criticism head on. It stings. It makes you want to either fight back in rage or hide under a rock.

In martial arts, it just surprises me.

Why? Because traditional masters had expectations that superseded and transcended negativity. They had bigger battles to fight than who is saying what, doing what, or claiming what.  Gossip and accusations are never right in daily life or in martial arts. Martial arts contain elements of mental strength, meditation, and physical endurance.  These attributes should elevate practitioners above criticism and above negativity.

Martial artists are passionate.  The easiest response to fakes or pretentious practitioners is to fight back, condemn or catch them in the act of being inaccurate or false, but that is not necessarily the best response.  In the end, in the pursuit of that defense, what do you really gain?  Do you end up lowering your own standards and feeding into the same behaviors that trouble you?  It’s a cyclical chain of negativity that never ends.

 

So, what are you supposed to do? How can you curb negativity that might just get thrown in your face?

1.  Don’t respond to negative energy because it will feed the fire.

If you must respond, keep it professional, simple, and non-emotional. Most of you know that I received some Internet “hate” about one blog post that I wrote.  I didn’t respond directly, but wrote another blog post about how negativity won’t bring me down. It helped me tremendously and I didn’t direct it back to the group that started the misunderstanding, I just wrote it as a reminder to myself to stay steadfast and true to who I am.

2.  Realize that you cannot control another person’s thoughts, actions, or personality.

Sometimes someone will say something about you that really hurts you or angers you. While your first thought is to lash out, waiting  a little bit of time before responding may help you realize that no response is the best response of all.  When you don’t foster ongoing negative communication about an issue, you can more easily let go of it in the long run.

3.  Decide that you will not tolerate negativity.

Block, unfriend, or disconnect from whomever is tossing negativity your way. Social media can be hurtful or helpful.  When it starts being hurtful in any way, you can walk away from it.  Put the computer away, the phone down, and let things settle.  Or, get rid of the negativity by unfriending anyone whose values do not align with yours.  The control is yours.

4.  Advise others that you are not interested in hearing their third-party summaries of what they have heard about you.

Some friends think they are helping by keeping you current on negativity, when in fact, they are hurting your chance for a positive attitude.  If you truly want to avoid negativity and find a way to continue moving forward in your life, muster up the courage to tell your friends or family that you simply do not want to know or hear anything they have seen or read about you.

5.  Toughen up.

Realize that you are not going to be liked by everyone. Someone may even complain about you.  Be diplomatic and just move along.

These rules apply to on-line bullying, to situations where on-line “trolls” or “haters” offend you, or just to people who are too ignorant to really understand or know you.

I’ve finally figured out how to move past negativity and that is to slowly and deliberately eliminate those who are discouraging, untrustworthy, selfish, combative, or irrational from my life.  That sounds a little harsh, I suppose, but nothing else has freed me to be who I am.  I know that you cannot get just get rid of people that easily in real life, but on-line, you can. So, that’s a start.

Perhaps all this “elimination” sounds like I’m trying to hide.  In a way, I am.  I’m trying to hide and squash and minimize negativity that finds its way to me through various people and sources. Most of it is not even directed toward me, but just like the martial artists who want to pick and pluck the “bad” martial artists from the vine, I just choose to throw the rotten fruit out.

I’m sure if you have been gossiped about, taken for granted, or ridiculed at some point in your life, you understand from where I’m coming.  Martial artist, boy, girl, man or woman, each of you has the capability to control the negativity that is “in your face” by disintegrating it piece by piece until it is dust that you can blow away with your breath.  When negativity is in your face, it’s difficult to control and even more difficult to feel like a winner in your life.  You must pick your battles and some are not deserving of your time or energy.

Being a peacemaker is a tough assignment in today’s world.  Negativity that was once contained can now be widespread thanks, in part, to the Internet and Social Media.  I think if we each do our parts, to be better people and better martial artists, then we can help to snuff the fire that negativity creates and let the ashes fall where they may.

Andrea